Sometimes What Seems Kind Isn't

I once stayed in a relationship I knew wasn’t right. She’d done nothing wrong. It simply wasn't a good fit. I just didn’t want to hurt her.

Then a friend pointed out that I was staying out of obligation, not desire.

I thought I was being kind. But that was disrespectful to her; she deserved someone who wanted to be there.

Breaking up hurt. Staying would have prolonged the hurt. We’re both better off now.

It’s a question worth asking about relationships, careers, and commitments: Am I choosing this because I want it, or because I’m afraid of what happens if I don’t?

No True Solutions

There aren’t really any true solutions. Only trade-offs.

Want more freedom? You may have to give up some certainty. Want to get better at something? You will have to be bad at it first. Want a deeper relationship? You will risk many an uncomfortable conversation.

We get stuck looking for the choice with no downside. But few exist.

So ask a better question: Which trade-off moves me closer to the life I want?

The Communication Skill Schools Forgot

There are four ways to communicate: reading, writing, speaking, and listening.

School teaches us three.

Listening may be the most important skill in human relationships, yet few of us have learned how to do it well. During listening exercises in my keynotes, participants are often surprised by how unfamiliar genuine listening feels.

Here is one simple practice. When someone calls to vent, ask:

“Before you continue, would you like my advice, or would you prefer that I simply listen?”

The question may catch them off guard because they may not know the answer themselves.

But it communicates something powerful: I’m not here to impose what I think you need. I’m here to understand what you need.